If you live in the Potrero/Flamingo/Tamarindo area, you no doubt are aware of Qué Magazine. If you’re visiting, make sure you pick up a free copy, which can be found at almost every bar, restaurant, rental car office, etc., etc. The “news” articles are hilarious, as are the photos and “fake”ads (which are not likely to be mistaken for the real ads).

An article, concerning a business called “Grand Opening Liquidations”, in the most recent issue of the magazine, struck me as particularly funny:

In the fall of 2009, Yuri and Sasha Karminov relocated from Moscow to Guanacaste, Costa Rica. At first the brothers struggled to find a niche in the Gold Coast market, dabbling for a time in a variety of misadventures which included restaurants, fishing charters, eco-tourism, surf shops, and so forth. It would seem that the more they tried, the more they realized the difficulties in growing a profitable tourism dependent business. They watched their life savings slowly being flushed down the drain, until one day Yuri had an epiphany of sorts: “The one thing that seems to be in constant supply here is available spaces to rent, and people willing to sell someone else on the dream life here in paradise.”

Just weeks later the two brothers opened Grand Opening Liquidations (“GOL”). “The sad truth is that business is tough, and in this area it’s tougher than a St. Petersburg meatcutter,” said Yuri. Most people will fail; unfortunately, these same people will refuse to see the writing on the wall until most, if not all, of their life savings have been dumped into a business that couldn’t help but fail. Lack of people, market share, finances, etc., all contribute to this problem. Thankfully Yuri and Sasha have found a solution!

“We help each other,” as Sasha likes to say. “It’s easy. When you decide to start a business here, we will do all the leg work; including finding you that not so ideal location, then paying too much for it. We then will begin to buy all the necessary supplies to start your not so unique idea. Once we have got everything in place, we set a date. And here is where the magic starts. Instead of wasting countless days and endless sleepless nights worrying about why your ideas isn’t working, you can go to beach, learn surf, fish, drink, party, ruin a marriage or two, and have good times. We will have a grand opening and a liquidation sale of your business at same time! This way you don’t have to loose all your money, just most of it. We expedite your life here so you can return to wherever you came from before anyone even misses you. Many of our clients still have enough money for Honda Civic and a deposit on a condo when they leave. Believe you me, taking the guess work out of your failure will save you a small, or perhaps large, fortune.”

Many of you are wondering, can it really be this easy? The answer is, yes. Currently Grand Opening Liquidations has a full schedule of “High Season” grand closures, but their staff can always get you ready for a September or October failure. These typically are less expensive because GOL can piggy back your new venture with a current client’s departure.

In the fall, Grand Opening Liquidations will be expanding into brokering bad land deals; which will include land you won’t actually own, land with no water rights, infra-structure problems, and property in high theft areas. Please don’t sit back and watch your dreams go up in smoke, when Grand Opening Liquidations can watch the smoke for you.

I encourage the good people at Qué Magazine to keep up the good work, and I encourage everyone in the area to pick up a copy of the magazine, support the advertisers therein, and buy advertising if you are a local business. (It would be a shame if Qué Magazine had to employ the services of Yuri and Sasha!)

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